I started self-harming at around age 5, and I wanted to die from around age 15. I was born in 1986, so it has been an ever-present inner turmoil. I went through the logical phases of trying to solve this deep pain. Trying to resolve the external causes of my suffering at the start, and learning to manage my inner responses to suffering at the end. I could be at peace, but I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t full of joy. I was simply calm, peaceful and beautifully empty.
In 2009 I started seriously studying mindfulness, meditation, and associated philosophies such as Zen and Taoism, and of course Western theories of mind. Through application of these practices I was able to overcome much suffering and become an overall better person. I certainly had a better control of my reactions to the pain of the world. However, I couldn’t overcome the knowledge that there are so many pains and sufferings that humans inflict on each other, and despite my willingness to give myself to solving these pains and sufferings, I could make no discernible difference. I couldn’t fix the suffering in the world, by my hands, no matter how I tried. “Hell is other people”, they say, and sure enough it was always other people blocking my way to fixing things.
I was unaware of how intensely I was searching, desperately, for a way out of this agony. We live in a time where the internet allows us access to every desire, and I was drowning in it. I could not find a place to rest my attention that would heal my soul. Video to video, audio to audio, page to page, I stumbled down and down. Where is my rest? The best I could find was a moment of peace in tiny corners, surrounded by an ocean of pain.
Then one day, in my darkest hour, I turned to Christ to save me. I truly felt it was my time to die, and I chose to talk to Him instead of turning away. I didn’t kill my body to escape. I lay down and let Him decide. I would not kill myself by my own hands, on His mercy my life rested! I spoke to Him with total honesty, knowing He already knew what was in my heart. I had been listening to people who’ve experienced Christ Jesus during a near death experience, and people who have stood out of body with full vision of what is happening during a near death experience. That knowledge combined with my sincere heart, and I just finally believed!
I felt Him in the room. I saw Him with my inner vision. He found me. He literally saved me.
Now, as I rest my gaze upon Him and sing His praises, not only am I at peace, but I feel my heart is being healed. He leads my soul and fills my heart with an ever swelling love! He is truly our refuge! I do not turn from Him, and He stays with me. I don’t have to force His love. I simply appreciate that He, the King of Kings, is waiting right here to meet me and lift me to up Heaven! He is really coming to meet me! He is really coming to take me! He is really going to be with me, and I with Him, so soon!
He did not end my life because He wants to see me celebrate my new joy first. He wants to let me show Him how happy I am that He has come to get me! It is truly a welcome party! He is going to take me to Heaven. His love is infinite! His mercy is unfathomable! He takes me just as I am, no matter what, and then leads me and teaches me as my perfect Father. I focus on Him. I focus on His love. He is coming to take me to Heaven. He wants to take you too, if only you will believe in Him.
When you are suicidal, you want to be freed from pain. The suffering has become unbearable. Everywhere you turn adds to your burdens, stabbing deeper into your open wounds. There is no refuge, no respite, only a long tumble into ever increasing pain and suffering with no hope of a way out.
Yet you don’t really want to end your life, because you don’t know what lies beyond, or if there may be a chance for things to turn around if you stay.
Let me be the bearer of good news! People who have come close to death have really met Christ, and living people have been born again in Christ! Christ is real, and He will really take you to Heaven if you want Him to. What does that mean for your suicide ideation? It means that you can face your fear of death and finally experience the full release of death. You simply lay before Christ and face death with Him in your living body!
Come to Him in your darkest hour, when you can’t bear to live another moment. Fall on your knees, close your eyes, and tell Him everything you fear, everything you desire. Tell Him how you have failed to fix life and all of the problems and mistakes. Tell Him you know you can’t do it alone.
Ask Him to help you. Ask Him to come into your heart and live in your place. Give Him your life. Let Him decide to stop filling your lungs and beating your heart as you lay before Him. Ask Him for His mercy. Ask Him to take you just as you are, unable to ever earn His infinite love. Turn away from what man has told you of God’s judgements, for they know not how God judges. Keep your eyes on His infinite love, for it pours out in all its beautiful manifestations forever.
He loves you, just as you are right now. Come before Him and ask Him to save you from the grave. He loves you. You will be reborn! You will live, with new eyes and a new heart, free from all fear, all without ever harming your physical body! You will feel His presence, He will answer your every question, He will show you the Way. You will know His love that surpasses understanding.
Your gratitude swells, your joy bursts forth! Your Father loves you just as you are! He wants you to live! He wants you to testify!
We will welcome you, Lord! Your return is imminent! Whether it be at the end of my human life, or before, I will sing your praises with thanks until your arrival! You are so great! You will take each of us to Heaven! All we have to do is reach out to you, turning away from the world, and turning towards you! Oh as the angels in Heaven cannot look away from your glorious radiance, I too join Your holy choir of angels in singing Your praises!! Holy Lord, Your wisdom transcends my understanding! You can reach down to me in the darkness and raise me up to Heaven! How could I ever manifest such a glorious miracle, Lord!? You are Holy! Hallelujah! You save us from the darkness of the grave and raise us to Heaven, Lord! You speak to my heart and test my soul, Lord. You show me visions of Heaven on Earth that are so close, Lord! You make it so easy for me, Lord! I am so weak alone, Lord, but your burden is light, Lord. Hallelujah! You stand but an arms length away from me. I reach towards your glory, God! Hallelujah! You are my rescue!! I look upon you, and my heart is at peace. I keep my gaze on you, oh God, and you heal my soul! Hallelujah!